Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
