Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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