covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Don't make out with my wife yet
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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