I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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