this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
