I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
