My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
