Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
