i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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