Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
