a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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