I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
