And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
