I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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