Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
