I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
