haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
