Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize