what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
