nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
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I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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