I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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