so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize