everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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