I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
