And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
