i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
