On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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