About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
