Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
