she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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