I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
