just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
