I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
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