You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
