My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
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Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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