Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
