Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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