Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
