Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
