I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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