I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
