she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
