so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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