as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
