Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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