Your tits are I can't wait for
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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