i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
