Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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