Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think a kid would responsible me up
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
