I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
