my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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