dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
