she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
