Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
