When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
