I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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