i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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