Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
