Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
